This fear often manifests itself as depression as you feel helpless to control the impending abandonment. You may have suffered stomachaches or headaches as a child, signs of anxiety. You may not have known if the threats were real or if your parents were using these threats as a disciplinary technique.
You ideally would be in a safe and nurturing environment where your behavior was corrected in a constructive manner. This parenting dynamic can be carried out by one parent or both. When parents fight with each other and one then threatens to leave all the time it creates fear and uncertainty. When a parent storms out of the house in anger you wonder if they are coming back. If you are adopted or are from a step family or divorced family where one of your parents did not uphold contact or care with you after leaving you may suffer from attachment disorders or other emotional difficulties having to do with abandonment.
You may have blamed yourself for the parent not sticking around. Even the death of a parent can trigger symptoms, as well as the loss of a parent who is hospitalized for long periods. Even though this situation was not deliberate by your the parent, it may have felt like you had been abandoned.
If everyone in the family was focused on the ill person, your emotional needs and fears may not have been addressed. When actually abandoned, the idea or core belief is established that you are unlovable or unwanted.
If your parents used this technique to discipline it is likely that they suffered from an attachment disorder or other emotional difficulty themselves, starting in their own childhood. It was imprinted on them also that if you dont please the parent, love may be withheld. A belief that they then passed on to you. If you grew up under these conditions you may not handle separation well, as you expect to be abandoned. That pending abandonment feeling can be fueled by very subtle things, like your partner being distracted or non-attentive.
When in relationships, there is a pervasive feeling and belief that the other person will eventually be gone. These trust issues tend to hang on for life if not addressed. If any of these describe you or if you have been diagnosed with any of these conditions it is likely that you feel bad about yourself. You may be being treated for a biochemical disorder or feel you have a mental illness.
The sad part is that given what you experienced, how your brain dealt with it is normal. That is the way anyone would feel when abandoned. In fact, even in cases of clear and willful abandonment, most states will not legally terminate a parent's rights unless there is another parent-figure, such as a step-parent, who is waiting to formally adopt the child. Some parents who have withdrawn from their children's lives later recognize their mistake and wish to seek forgiveness and restore the relationship.
In situations where the previously uninvolved parent is able to participate more regularly in the children's lives and has expressed a commitment to do so, the experience can offer some much-needed healing and restoration. If the opportunity arises and you're not sure what to do, consider speaking with a therapist or counselor about your concerns before making a decision. Get expert tips to help your kids stay healthy and happy. Child Welfare Information Gateway.
Definitions of child abuse and neglect. Updated March Grounds for involuntary termination of parental rights. Updated December Darnall D. The psychosocial treatment of parental alienation.
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We and our partners process data to: Actively scan device characteristics for identification. I Accept Show Purposes. Table of Contents View All. They stayed together barely speaking for 8 more years, ate separate tables, separate bedrooms.
Father grew very willful. They met in high school as sweethearts and established a mutually co dependent relationship They married at 18 to live out their marriage as high school sweethearts. That would have fine, BUT they wanted and had 3 children. So confusing for us kids.
We often heard your parents are so in love always walking hand in hand we behind them. We certainly believed we were not wanted, not to talk not even, never affirmed absolutely no unconditional love expressed.
Ages Daddy sat us down at the picnic table and instructed us that we would no longer call them mommy and daddy but Bob and Maryanne. Try processing that one Being the middle one I found my place as the defiant one. There was none to be had.
I found self pleasure by age 6 and that fit in with my fantasizing what my life would be like when I was released from that house. The problem with surviving on fantasying is that it lacks human connections but it was safe.
I saw him for three years and he tried everything hypnosis sending mommy dearest away in a black car. Your ego did. I can recall one emotional connection with him after my defiance led to his taking to the park one night and beating me damaging my nose and came to me sequester in my bedroom truly in remorse apologizing. Shit I thought that was love. No one wants to talk about this childhood stuff after high school and yet most adult changes started in our first 4 years.
I read a professional publication. But that core decision will under or over ride all future relationships. I am most blessed having married a Sunday School teacher who grew up receiving her human gifts of unconditional to re-gift to our son.
I am struggling so bad right now. My father won full custody of my brother and I in due to abuse and neglect from my mother.
I should note that my mother denies any wrongdoing and says my father only won because he had the better attorney. My mother believes herself to be the victim having her children taken away.
She does admit that she never tried to get us back, never tried to see us, never sent mail or packages, despite k owing our phone number and exactly where we lived.
My father never asked for a dime of child support from her either. She was able to land a very well paying job that required her to travel all over the World and be gone months at a time. My father was a truck driver and we were very poor my mother judges my father because he was not able to make a descent living. We stayed with my grandparents most of the time. She had remarried to a man who had his 8 yr old daughter every other weekend and my mom and her seemed very close.
I was the outsider and she continually told me everything I was doing wrong from the way I dressed to money management. My husband and I received food stamps at the time and she looked down on that severely. Her and her husband hated my husband and sat me down and offered to move me across country, pay for a place for me to live, pay legal fees so I got full custody of my daughter and pay for me to go to school if I would agree to divorce my husband.
My husband was an amazing father and husband. They said I would be much happier with a more successful man. This made me so mad because othing I did was ever good enough. I walked away and said I would never look back. When I was 35, I was pregnant with my second child, again I started a relationship with her.
I was in my last year of college. It hurt, but I knew she was right. They were paying big bucks to put my stepsister through a private college. We both graduated the same year. I immediately landed and excellent job, doubled my salary in a little less than two years and continued to climb.
My husband became a stay at home dad, we purchased a nice home, we managed our money well, but it was never enough. I tried to tell myself she only wants the best so I followed her advice she had a way of completely tearing me apart when she felt I needed to improve or change something.
I never fit the bill. I literally made myself sick trying to be and do everything she thought I should. My husband was ready to leave and by now she had started nitpicking my daughter to the point my daughter hated her and my daughter is a kind soul who has never hated anyone. No, you do not get to talk to me like this. I am hanging up and you can call back when you have calmed down.
I sobbed for days. She posted a gushy tribute to her stepdaughter on Facebook the day after saying how proud she was of her daughter. This time I feel as if I am about to crumble inside.
What can I do? Is there a book? Thank you. Since I am born, my parents never showed any sign of love between them. I dont know why, but my mom hated my dads family. Hi, my name is Marissa the first 6 years of my life my mom was in and out of my life. My old man was married 4 times and I was never allowed to live in his home with his new family.
My mother remarried and had three more kids but, I was never allowed to live with her either. My grandparents were wonderful people but, when I was 9 my grandfather died at work and eventually, my grandmother would lose her home to the banks.
I joined the regular army at 17 and later, made a career in law enforcement, married a wonderful woman and tried to exorcise my past. I wish that I could say something warm and fuzzy or inspirational but, the pain that my parents inflicted on me and the sad, compensatory behavior that I hid behind, tortures me every day. Your story resonates with me Tim. It is a comfort to me to know that in spite of it you made a success of your life.
All the best. My life has been a mess since I was born, my whole family hated each other and they were always fighting, this was worsened after I was born. Both of my parents left me when I was two, they left me in the middle of winter without heat in the house and no clothes on and never came back, luckily a package was delivered to our house and the UPS guy stayed with me and called the authorities, I was then in the hands of the state.
They put me with my grandma and it was ok until I was 6 or 7 and then the downhill fall began, we lived in an apartment complex and I came home from school one day, and people were screaming at my grandma and me and banging on our walls.
The owner came and then kicked us out so we had to scramble and find somewhere to live. They got mad at us and kicked us out eventually.
So we moved in with another family and they were nice until my grandma and the other lady had a disagreement and so we were kicked out and we had to live in a tent with barely any food. A week after that my grandma handed me over to a family at a local church and she went back to South Carolina and I have barely seen her since. It is hard to remember that sometimes, I know that but just keep fighting.
Dear S, I hope you have a good therapist helping you cope with the painful experiences you have had. Thank you for sharing with us. Dear S , Thank You for sharing and caring. I hope you always have people as good as you and your Grandma to support you. I know you and your Grandma are in a lot of pain. I wish you did not have to go through that. Again Thank You , you are a wonderful human being.
I know your grandma is proud of you. Hi everyone, my name is Kristen. She constantly reminded me dat I was a mistake, a terrible child, a child she wished she have aborted. One time she even said that I had bad luck cos my dad have not come back for me, leaving only her to cater for me. Dear Kristen, I very much encourage you to talk this over with a trained therapist. Your mother was not able to provide you with the love that you definitely deserve. Anyone that would not treat you or any child as good as they can is very sick.
We are lucky , we will never do that. You be proud you are here like S , writing to help others , YOU are terrific!! Take care , Coral. Parents divorced when I was 9 brother was 4. Both parents were out for themselves. We were with my mom at first and she meet someone new and had a kid. Shortly after my brother and I moved with my dad. Never lived with mom again. Spoke with her from time to time and got gifts at birthdays and holidays. Dad says my mom wanted a new family and left us, mom says that she fought for us and dad refuses to let us go with her.
Both are liars in my opinion. My half brother and sister had a great life and my brother and I got lies. We are both doing well financially and we both have been married years me 23, him 10 and have kids. During slow times or movies that depict this really messes with my head though.
Just wish I could get an honest answer, but neither one is honest enough to admit the truth. Both pin it on the other. He had 2 other children with his 1st wife. When I was really small, I saw them all the time. They would come and stay every weekend. I loved them so much. That was the last time I saw them.
They just disappeared out of my life. This destroyed me. I loved them and they were gone. So we got back in touch. We saw them quite a bit at first. The first time was bad enough but this one has given me depression and anxiety. I cry like the 7 year old child who lost them then. Great job!!!! History will remember you favourably and forever! I was literally abandoned to fend for myself in a foreign country and worked my way up from a gas station attendent to a computer egineer at IBM.
I went to college while financing myself and had nobody to depend on emotionally and thought I was over all that until recently when it all FLOODED back into my psyche. I realized that I was emotionally, physically and completely abandoned and by parents who would never admit it. They constantly blamed ME for that abandonment since I decided to be a musician and not study engineering originally. After I graduated with a B.
They both died and we never ended up with closure. Has anyone else relayed a story like mine to you? You deserve support and help resolving and getting perspective on all of this. I have a very similar story. The narcissistic cycle of cruelty and abuse is best left way out of my life. The abandonment from the age of 16 which ended in a push-pull cycle is the last piece of the puzzle I am wrestling with to be free.
I believe the only way you find closure is by sitting with yourself. I was also was abandoned as a child , but was raised by my grand parents. Who cared for me and probably loved me ,but did not show any outgoing love. Ive taken my medication. My parents left for another country to start a new life for us when I was years old. I often felt so alone as a child. My step sister had her mother and I had no one.
I would like to but I just feel that I have to do things by myself. I also have a hard time getting over it a guy rejects me. It cuts me really deeply. I just have very vivid memories of being alone, crying having to soothe myself as a child. I still do that today. I cry in silence. Then I pick myself back up and try to move forward. I never bonded with my mother — even less with my stepfather, when he left I hardly noticed. I am mentally disabled and was forced to have children by my husband.
I tried my best to be a good parent, but I was constantly exhausted, and depressed. I was not able to talk and play the way my daughter needed, not always, but a bunch of the time. I was not consistent. I almost want to join her. Dear Susan, please give yourself credit for trying! Parenting is difficult. In the meantime, your daughter and you need help.
It is vital that you reach out for some support. Please do go to suicidepreventionlifeline. When I was ONE year old my real parents sent me kilometer away to live with unmarried relatives , where I was tossed around between them.
My parents and my siblings hates me to this day, their happiness lies in my tears. They have saddened my eyes and my face forever. My wife hid herself in the bathroom on my wedding night , as she changed her mind to marry me on my wedding day.
Though she hid her feelings but revealed to me few years ago. She has relationships outside marriage, and she has broken all relations with me since 6 years, though she is still living in my house.
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